tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5251009685861676562024-03-13T09:30:59.590-07:00feMOMhistfeminism, motherhood, history @feMOMhistfeMOMhisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17192104351023271207noreply@blogger.comBlogger813125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-525100968586167656.post-57807577402330251402024-01-22T07:00:00.000-08:002024-01-22T07:50:49.714-08:00out of the blueI received a lovely email from one of the back in the day bloggers and what a blast from the past that was.
I stopped blogging when I became more aware of the privacy implications for my children. It was moment though wasn't it? when we all felt connected and supported via the web......
Children.....
my son is now a sophomore in college, my daughter a senior in high school.
general update, things are ok. Some issues are the same, some are different.
The pandemic just about killed any academic ambition I have and I am now coasting!feMOMhisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17192104351023271207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-525100968586167656.post-3691642415817615882018-12-01T08:55:00.000-08:002018-12-13T08:30:36.587-08:00Happy #MOMmas#MOMmas is dedicated to being about me this festive season. I've realized it is unfair (and unrealistic) to expect the t(w)eens to bring the holiday magic. Instead of focusing on them, and getting resentful over their (lack of) reaction, I decided to channel that mom energy into myself.<br />
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Follow along for 25 merry days of MOMmas. </div>
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<br /><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr"><a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MOMmas?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#MOMmas</a> day 12 - I celebrated by lying on the couch next to my gorgeous tree, and while eating brownies, devoured academic mysteries. IT WAS GLORIOUS. I could hear the angel choir rejoice. <a href="https://t.co/MjV262xtM9">pic.twitter.com/MjV262xtM9</a></p>— feMOMhist (@feMOMhist) <a href="https://twitter.com/feMOMhist/status/1073252474054692864?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 13, 2018</a></blockquote>
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<a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MOMmas?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#MOMmas</a> day 10 was a looooonnngggg day on campus, so I celebrated me by looking FABULOUS in a new dress. Day 11 counterbalanced by never getting dressed and writing all day in PJs. <a href="https://t.co/Wvf3RbxbKh">pic.twitter.com/Wvf3RbxbKh</a></div>
— feMOMhist (@feMOMhist) <a href="https://twitter.com/feMOMhist/status/1072829562558578694?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 12, 2018</a></blockquote>
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<a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MOMmas?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#MOMmas</a> day 7 got derailed by mom guilt, but back on track for day 8 viewing of Griswold level light display. Day 9 walk in clinic visit for antibiotics, but also 🎄and closet reorganizing, so I’m taking the W. <a href="https://t.co/49FLsFlnSW">pic.twitter.com/49FLsFlnSW</a></div>
— feMOMhist (@feMOMhist) <a href="https://twitter.com/feMOMhist/status/1072085858512199680?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 10, 2018</a></blockquote>
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day 6 of <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MOMmas?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#MOMmas</a> a gift for me! Subscribed to AcornTV for all my fav British mysteries. <a href="https://t.co/aozSsHglFv">pic.twitter.com/aozSsHglFv</a></div>
— feMOMhist (@feMOMhist) <a href="https://twitter.com/feMOMhist/status/1071056657063575552?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 7, 2018</a></blockquote>
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this time of year is so bad I already lost a day of <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MOMmas?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#MOMmas</a>! Day 5 is a blur. <a href="https://t.co/6hTGugNCuK">pic.twitter.com/6hTGugNCuK</a></div>
— feMOMhist (@feMOMhist) <a href="https://twitter.com/feMOMhist/status/1071056343379918854?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 7, 2018</a></blockquote>
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<a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MOMmas?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#MOMmas</a> day 4 kicked my ass, so I celebrated the season by putting on PJ early and hiding in bed reading a novel. Books make everything better. <a href="https://t.co/SkfhYCEmpg">pic.twitter.com/SkfhYCEmpg</a></div>
— feMOMhist (@feMOMhist) <a href="https://twitter.com/feMOMhist/status/1070744671637385216?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 6, 2018</a></blockquote>
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day 3 of <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MOMmas?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#MOMmas</a> had me painting my nails instead of online <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/ChristmasGift?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#ChristmasGift</a> shopping <a href="https://t.co/lRcYvWBmoA">pic.twitter.com/lRcYvWBmoA</a></div>
— feMOMhist (@feMOMhist) <a href="https://twitter.com/feMOMhist/status/1070371441873432576?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 5, 2018</a></blockquote>
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<a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MOMmas?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#MOMmas</a> day 3 was tough given this hectic point in the semester, so I gave myself the best gift possible, the gift of time! I stayed on campus to catch up with a visiting alumna instead of racing home after classes to my family. <a href="https://t.co/dy8MPvx0WY">pic.twitter.com/dy8MPvx0WY</a></div>
— feMOMhist (@feMOMhist) <a href="https://twitter.com/feMOMhist/status/1069907201836363780?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 4, 2018</a>
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Merry <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MOMmas?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#MOMmas</a> Day 2. I'm hoping that in the midst of all the end-of-semester work that spilled over to the weekend, I can also do some holiday decorating. Day 1 was much-needed balm because this last year with the t(w)een left me broken in so many ways.</div>
— feMOMhist (@feMOMhist) <a href="https://twitter.com/feMOMhist/status/1069269138886021121?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 2, 2018</a></blockquote>
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<a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MOMmas?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#MOMmas</a> day 1 festive outing planned with ProfBffs. <a href="https://t.co/l39DrW7NoN">pic.twitter.com/l39DrW7NoN</a></div>
— feMOMhist (@feMOMhist) <a href="https://twitter.com/feMOMhist/status/1068911779042988032?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 1, 2018</a></blockquote>
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Happy <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MOMmas?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#MOMmas</a>. follow along to find out what happens when I spend the next 24 days channeling all that holiday energy into myself instead of my kids! <a href="https://t.co/CrwPHorRkX">pic.twitter.com/CrwPHorRkX</a></div>
— feMOMhist (@feMOMhist) <a href="https://twitter.com/feMOMhist/status/1068911325546467328?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 1, 2018</a></blockquote>
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feMOMhisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17192104351023271207noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-525100968586167656.post-83192721128848468912018-11-23T12:54:00.002-08:002018-11-23T12:54:50.695-08:00Hallmark Christmas Movie Bingo<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMqzOquy9VNMp8z6vq8-qXN4CaS9Sf6z9DjUFWlfT1VYkkSMDX7zNsomW6ZEPgfnP-FrR0_47GwEKhZI_mSjr1ZYEdQblz-V41IzBUd87MSZBF-SVBJ1UI_ZSVOPv_b-U8f9BO70Q5F-k/s1600/bingo.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="849" data-original-width="736" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMqzOquy9VNMp8z6vq8-qXN4CaS9Sf6z9DjUFWlfT1VYkkSMDX7zNsomW6ZEPgfnP-FrR0_47GwEKhZI_mSjr1ZYEdQblz-V41IzBUd87MSZBF-SVBJ1UI_ZSVOPv_b-U8f9BO70Q5F-k/s400/bingo.png" width="347" /></a></div>
find me <a href="https://twitter.com/feMOMhist">on Twitter</a> these day! Happy Holidays!feMOMhisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17192104351023271207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-525100968586167656.post-43719444923068766792018-11-08T13:10:00.001-08:002018-11-08T13:10:23.961-08:00back on TwitterI can't bring myself to write full posts, but I'm back on Twitter ranting about all the same stuff.<br />
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">join me as I <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/livetweet?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#livetweet</a> a two-hour conference call, yes, you read that correctly TWO FUCKING HOURS because <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/academia?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#academia</a></p>— feMOMhist (@feMOMhist) <a href="https://twitter.com/feMOMhist/status/1060632402341564417?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 8, 2018</a></blockquote>
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feMOMhisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17192104351023271207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-525100968586167656.post-90523410954028398862018-06-10T10:41:00.000-07:002018-06-10T10:41:11.495-07:00buffers against future lossas I've shared before, one of the scariest aspects of t(w)een's situation is <a href="https://femomhist.blogspot.com/2018/06/on-not-knowing-your-child-anymore.html">the feeling I'm losing my child</a>. While Cloud commented that what I'm experiencing may be a very intense version of what most parents go through as their children mature, I am also all too aware, due to my mother's profession, that sometimes rifts never heal.<br />
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I'd already been slightly aware that I'd been seeking out "replacement" mothers, women older than me, but not as old as my own mother, as a potential buffer against the time when she is gone (several of my friends have lost their mothers quite unexpectedly this year and it has me more than a little freaked out).<br />
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What I only realized this AM, is that in many ways, the former students with whom I have built close relationships have become sort of potential replacement children in my mind. I will always have my other child, but also the many other people who I "mother." I know to some readers this will sound wrong, preparing for a potential life without t(w)een, but it provides me with an odd sense of relief at what is one of the scariest times of my life.feMOMhisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17192104351023271207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-525100968586167656.post-69141310602400244952018-06-08T14:18:00.002-07:002018-06-09T04:13:21.082-07:00& on to family therapyIn some ways it feels like we've come full circle. The second therapist got to where <a href="https://femomhist.blogspot.com/2018/05/a-month-tween-on-prozac.html">the first one did</a>, just much faster. sciDad and I had our first "parents" only appointment and were told point blank, "your child has all the power in your house right now because you are afraid of them. Buck up and be parents. Set limits, enforce consequences, hold t(w)een to standards." So after a big deep breath, and a fortifying lunch, we decided to jump in with one giant new rule regarding access to handheld electronic devices, which had gotten SO out of hand and was causing us to fear what our kids were accessing and to feel uneasy about parenting. Both kids have already "broken" the rule and had the consequences and we all survived. A byproduct - more family time, which can only be good right?<br />
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Although primarily motivated by t(w)een, the sibling will benefit from this new rule, as well as our new standards which are, and I'm almost ashamed to admit that we have to enforce these, as follows.<br />
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1. truthfulness<br />
2. respect<br />
3. cooperation<br />
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For t(w)een there is a specific incentive that is 2 weeks out which gives us a good window to enforce these. The incentive has a price tag attached to it, so I've reverse engineered the trusty swear jar/chore jar and t(w)een loses cash based on violations of 1-3 (and gains for doing 1-3).<br />
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I know this was the easy part. Next week when we start therapy sessions with t(w)een I am bracing myself for the difficulty to come.feMOMhisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17192104351023271207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-525100968586167656.post-36313806428933577582018-06-02T11:49:00.001-07:002018-06-02T11:49:24.480-07:00on not knowing your child anymoreI recently discovered that t(w)een texted a crisis hotline. On the one hand, this is good, well at least better than the possible alternatives. On the other hand, though, it makes me feel like I'm the absolute worst person to ascertain t(w)een's mental status. If you'd asked me, on the day t(w)een texted, I would have said they were doing fairly well. I have to be careful not to leap to conclusions. Perhaps t(w)een just wanted to know what happens when one texts a crisis hotline. Perhaps they were trying it out for future use. Who knows? I didn't query t(w)een because I would never want to do anything to dissuade them from reaching out for help. I will pass the information along to their therapist at the next visit for them to address.<br />
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This feeling of not-knowing has only deepened a persistent thought that haunted me one day this week; I've lost the child I knew although they are still here with me, for which I am very grateful of course, but I find myself in mourning for the child before, that sweet, loving, trusting child. It is heartbreaking and it feels like mourning. feMOMhisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17192104351023271207noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-525100968586167656.post-54170183446338291442018-05-23T10:27:00.001-07:002018-05-23T12:38:48.890-07:00upping the dose T(w)een on ProzacI haven't been writing much because quite honestly I've been attempting to be less all-consumed with t(w)een who continues to experience problems, and as we are realizing, quite frequently create them for themself. The <a href="https://femomhist.blogspot.com/2018/05/a-month-tween-on-prozac.html">new therapist</a> is a wonder, calling t(w)een on shit and being quite focused on tangible things t(w)een should do.* We are going twice a week so t(w)een can get advice on the latest problem and/or try out strategies which they are only very very reluctantly doing. They weathered the<a href="https://femomhist.blogspot.com/2018/04/make-that-tween-on-prozac.html"> initial Prozac dose</a> of 10mg just fine, so recently the dose was increased to 20mg which is the therapeutic threshold apparently. It hasn't been long enough to tell if it is helping or not. I'm not even sure the t(w)een would admit if things were getting better. Their narrative is one of <a href="https://femomhist.blogspot.com/2018/04/day-12-tween-on-prozac.html">unrelenting negativity</a>.<br />
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What about me? Am I better? I mean that seriously. We are on almost four months of what has been the most intensive parenting since infanthood. It is grueling and exhausting and for me crazy making. sciDad is way better at just accepting. I'm not. I struggle and try to plan and to plot and to help and end up doing 1000000 little things. This past week sciDad wisely pointed out that I was burning myself out and all but begged me to go upstairs to our room to binge watch Royal Wedding nonsense, which I gratefully did. I don't know what I'd do without him. Huge shout out to all the parents doing this alone or with a partner who makes things worse not better.<br />
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I've been following the advice often given by therapists to partners or family members of mentally ill people and <a href="https://femomhist.blogspot.com/2018/05/a-month-tween-on-prozac.html">continued to work on me</a>. I've been focused on mindfulness, reminding myself that I have choices if not control of this situation and that much of the time my choice should likely be letting go.** Realizing how right sciDad was and how much I needed a retreat, I spent four hours yesterday cleaning our room and turning it into my hiding space. t(w)een baits me far more than sciDAD so he takes over as much of the after-school time as he can. I now have a tranquil and tidy space to hide when I need a break from the t(w)een.<br />
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My next challenge is figuring out how to do scholarly work through this ever-shifting situation that surely will not be better in a matter of days or even weeks. I was fortunate that I had very few commitments this spring, but this summer I have several large ones and as of today I cannot even focus my mind to do the simplest writing.<br />
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At yoga this week I visualized my worries and anxieties as balloons floating away and then popping. Therefore, I love this image and leave it here for those who might find it a helpful visualization.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.movingforwardmatters.com/letting-go-of-what-means-so-much/">image credit</a></td></tr>
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*for those who may be in a similar situation, these are the accommodations/strategies we worked out together for school<br />
1. having access to talismans to self-soothe<br />
2. putting head down in class when overwhelmed<br />
3. if that fails going to nurse for a cooldown/calm down period of 10 minutes<br />
4. if still having problems, permission to call home to have parents talk through the anxiety<br />
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** this means putting on my own oxygen mask first. This is what I'm doing so far<br />
1. prioritizing exercise and physical well being<br />
2. carving out time for my friends outside the house<br />
3. putting limits on how much negativity I'm willing to listen to<br />
4. devoting time to my other childfeMOMhisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17192104351023271207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-525100968586167656.post-48412945799888326622018-05-04T05:25:00.003-07:002018-05-04T05:25:54.040-07:00a month t(w)een on ProzacThere has been a lot of spinning of wheels here, unable to get any movement forward. My fears that t<a href="https://femomhist.blogspot.com/2018/04/day-13-tween-on-prozac.html">he current therapist was not the right fit</a> were confirmed at this week's appointment when the therapist ended the relationship saying they didn't think they were the right person to help t(w)een. The therapist offered the opinion that t(w)een was manipulating us, which is quite true, and that we needed to find a therapist to work with the whole family. They suggested on a referral that I had to nix based on where the practitioner got their degrees (seriously religiously affiliated undergrad and a for-profit).<br />
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Perhaps precipitated by this, or by the limits that we started imposing, t(w)een confessed to an instance of self-harm and a second attempt at self-harm. They were minor in terms of the harm that would have been caused, but alarming nonetheless.<br />
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Thankfully several of the therapists I'd looked at when we selected the first one now had openings and t(w)een saw one already and has another appointment next week. I wish I felt hopeful, but alas t(w)een continues to voice the sentiment that they can't make an effort to get better. They know they are stuck, but continue to believe that nothing and no one can help them. However, when I asked, should we simply not see a therapist, they reacted quite strongly to that voicing the opinion that wouldn't be a good idea. So I have to think, somewhere deep inside, they do want help.<br />
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I've also realized that I have to shift my focus away from t(w)een to me. I would never give a student an assignment that I hadn't done already, so if I am expecting t(w)een to do the hard work in therapy, then I need to do it too. I'm therefore working my way through a book that had been suggested for them. The first step is to realize that when emotions are overwhelming, all I need to do is focus on right now. I tend to get freaked out by the realization that the process of helping t(w)een will be very long and in fact, may never end. I've been in a sort of mourning for my child, who as they explained to the therapist this week, used to be the complete 180 of the person they are now. I miss that child who I knew for so many years. Those feelings are valid, but they get in the way in the moment of helping t(w)een. I need to make space for them elsewhere so when t(w)een needs me I can refocus myself on <b><i>now only.</i></b><br />
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<br />feMOMhisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17192104351023271207noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-525100968586167656.post-78903808234809035842018-04-18T16:21:00.001-07:002018-04-18T16:22:33.282-07:00day 13 t(w)een on ProzacSo t(w)een and I got into in the middle of Target today (don't ask, you'd be surprised how quickly things can escalate). After quietly and patiently waiting for almost two weeks now, I finally blurted out "do you think the Prozac is helping?" T(w)een replied that it is still to early to tell, which is certainly true.<br />
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From the outside looking in, I can at least say that the tiredness and insomnia seem much better on Prozac. We haven't seen any crash like we did on Zoloft, but on the other hand, they are now in their new school and busy with homework and after-school activities. Part of what was definitely exacerbating their issues during the Zoloft trial period was waaayyyy too much free time.<br />
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However, their response also feeds into this loop they have of "waiting" for things to get better to really start doing the hard work in therapy. On the very rare occasions that I have ventured to ask if they think their therapist is helping or if the therapist is a good fit, all I get is an "I don't know. It is too soon to tell." It has been three very long months and while I know therapy takes time, I'm concerned that they are waiting for a perfect moment that will never come.feMOMhisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17192104351023271207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-525100968586167656.post-42123330618593593992018-04-17T11:28:00.000-07:002018-04-18T16:21:26.415-07:00day 12 t(w)een on Prozac then again, <a href="https://femomhist.blogspot.com/2018/04/day-11-tween-on-prozac-but-you-cant.html">I suspect t(w)een would break up with themselves if that were possible</a>. They are clearly as miserable as they make me at times.<br />
<br />
<br />
When something good happens, they bring up prior experience that was bad.<br />
If they have a success, they recall a failure.<br />
Should I praise them, they mention something critical I've said in the past.<br />
All achievements are framed with disclaimers of imperfection.<br />
<br />
It must be exhausting to feel that badly all the time. I don't know how long it will take for that to change. There are few and far between moments when the t(w)een exhibits unambiguous positivity.<br />
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<br />
<style type="text/css"> p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; -webkit-text-stroke: #000000} p.p2 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; -webkit-text-stroke: #000000; min-height: 14.0px} span.s1 {font-kerning: none} </style>feMOMhisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17192104351023271207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-525100968586167656.post-38759157119610277852018-04-16T15:38:00.003-07:002018-04-18T16:22:59.347-07:00day 11 t(w)een on Prozac but you can't break up with your kidLife with t(w)een is quite frankly miserable. I have no idea if the Prozac is working. They appear functional and attend school and extracurricular activities, but damn they are a pain in the ass at home in their interactions with me.<br />
<br />
They are<br />
rude<br />
dismissive<br />
mocking<br />
sarcastic<br />
contrarian<br />
snide<br />
defiant<br />
condescending<br />
confrontational<br />
whiny<br />
and just plain mean<br />
<br />
<br />
and the thing is the last time I was in a relationship like that, I left, swearing never again, but you can't break up with your kid. The best I can manage is strategic retreats, like today, when I'm hiding, with my laptop pouring it all out to you dear reader before losing myself in Netflix.*<br />
<br />
* Do not worry. T(w)een is still well supervised. They are the compete opposite with their father so he has taken over for today.feMOMhisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17192104351023271207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-525100968586167656.post-21289545695496782432018-04-10T07:29:00.002-07:002018-04-18T16:22:15.038-07:00parenting the t(w)een on prozacthe scariest part of parenting a depressed t(w)een is the fear that something you do will push them over the edge.<br />
<br />
On occasion, the t(w)een has <a href="https://femomhist.blogspot.com/2018/03/crash-day-6-tween-on-zoloft.html">expressed the belief that they are the root of problems in our family</a> and that we would be better off if they were dead or rather that they would prefer to be dead so that they don't have to witness us being upset because of them. Whenever I get visibly upset in front of the t(w)een, in the back of my head is this fear that they will react this way again. Then I get plagued with guilt, as I am today because I got upset in front of the t(w)een over how we are parenting them. Although I was upset with myself and sciDAD, I fear that the t(w)een will again interpret this as somehow their fault (everything is their fault according to them).<br />
<br />
Communication is so volatile between us and I suppress things for so long that it all just comes out wrong when I finally do say something. I think we either need to work with t(w)een's existing counselor to get help in this area or find someone to work with us as a family.feMOMhisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17192104351023271207noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-525100968586167656.post-18852216022253929412018-04-08T04:56:00.001-07:002018-04-08T04:58:53.768-07:00Day 3 t(w)een on Pozac T(w)een <a href="https://femomhist.blogspot.com/2018/04/make-that-tween-on-prozac.html">started Prozac 10mg three days ago</a>. As per instructions, they are taking it in the morning with some food and continuing with melatonin at night to offset any insomnia. So far we've seen no side effects.<br />
<br />
I'm only now realizing how much more difficult it is to ascertain the efficacy of meds for depression/anxiety than it is for ADHD. The symptoms of ADHD were so externally visible that was quite easy to assess their diminution once meds were started. For depression/anxiety who knows? T(w)een woke up with a bad cold the morning they started Prozac and stayed in bed that day presumably due to illness. The second day of Prozac involved a long schedule of redacted activity that they attended, socialized with friends at, but did not physically participate in again due to illness.<br />
<br />
There are so many variables in play as well in the interpersonal dynamics of dealing with t(w)een that also confound my ability to determine if meds are helping. Yesterday for the first time since I've been aware of t(w)een's problems, I lost my temper with them. We have collectively been walking on eggshells around t(w)een, demanding nothing of them, and largely giving them whatever they want. I have come to believe that this was not the best parenting tactic, but sciDAD has a differing opinion. This has set up a dynamic where t(w)een complains to him about me. Yesterday as t(w)ween lounged, I overheard them snark "I can't believe mom just yelled down the stairs when she gets mad at me for doing that." Well, dear readers, MOM had HAD ENOUGH. I marched in the living room and announced that<br />
<br />
a. t(w)een had no business criticizing me in that tone of voice<br />
b. that if they wished to know why I did X when I said Y that they were more than welcome to bring it up to me not their father. (I explained that while I dislike being yelled at to come deal with their demands that as the person simultaneously making dinner and setting the table, I damn well could yell down the stairs to someone to ask about their dinner preferences because I was DOING THEM THE FAVOR of cooking it especially for them)<br />
c. I informed t(w)een that while for the past several months they had enjoyed GREAT latitude in their behavior towards me, no longer would this be the case and that YES, they would be PUNISHED if they continued to speak to me in a rude and disrespectful way.<br />
<br />
I then marched up to my room, heart beating, wondering if I'd done the right thing. T(w)een's self- esteem had been so crushed that they constantly expected to be punished and took every single thing anyone said to them as an indication of their utter worthlessness. sciDAD informed me however that when he broached the subject with t(w)eeen, they just shrugged it off, saying "that is how mom is sometimes" which TBH I find an excellent indication that their sense of self is getting better.<br />
<br />
Indeed, when we all sat down to eat said dinner, t(w)een launched into a long discussion with their sibling about their contentious relationship and their belief that we preferred their sibling to them. I can see them attempting to figure out what role we all played in exacerbating their negative self-image and trying to sort out how to relate to us all.<br />
<br />
Now if we could just get t(w)een to stop googling and self-diagnosing!feMOMhisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17192104351023271207noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-525100968586167656.post-16554132286186047082018-04-06T06:23:00.000-07:002018-04-07T16:46:39.637-07:00make that t(w)een on prozacThis week t(w)een finally saw a psychiatric professional. Because t(w)een expressed sentiments about <a href="https://femomhist.blogspot.com/2018/03/day-14-twween-on-zoloft.html">Zoloft not working for them</a>, they have been switched to 10mg Prozac. I knew that we got very lucky with our experiences in A<a href="https://femomhist.blogspot.com/search/label/intuniv">DHD medication land</a>. We never had to switch meds and only changed doses once. I guess I expected to have the same thing happen this time, so the zoloft medication trial "failure" has hit me rather hard.<br />
<br />
In addition, it has become clear that <a href="https://femomhist.blogspot.com/2012/02/fair-ways-off-from-perfect.html?q=anxiety">my own anxiety issues </a>are a bad fit for helping t(w)een. I become too focused on divining the meaning behind t(w)een's every action, what music they are listening to, what shows they are watching, how they interact with people or don't interact with people. This all fuels my fears for them and makes me want to try to fix things, which is inevitably rejected, making me feel worse.<br />
<br />
In a kind moment, t(w)een reflected that they knew what it was like to try to hide their emotions and they worried that I was doing the same thing since we have a sort of infinite loop of upsetting one another, or rather believing that we have upset the other person, which thus causes us to become upset ourselves, which then causes the other person to in fact become upset when they were not initially.<br />
<br />
I pulled back this week, hiding in my room, and leaving parenting to sciDAD. I must confess it felt enormously freeing to do this, but it also made me feel guilty. It was also not sustainable. Inevitably sciDAD has to go to work and t(w)een is on spring break at home with me. It all came to a head yesterday morning, when the upsetting loop started. T(w)een bolted and called sciDAD at work, but this time instead of hiding, I initiated some conversation that hopefully will help us to be able to bumble along better as t(w)een attempts to sort things out for themselves which they still insist is the only possibility. Furthermore, t(w)een has instructed me to let go of all my worries and fears based on the past few months about my behavior adversely impacting them.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
rules for now to govern our interaction<br />
1. if t(w)een wants help, they will ask for it specifically in the form of a question as in CAN YOU HELP ME WITH X?<br />
2. if t(w)een is upset with me, they will let me know in the form of a statement as in I AM UPSET THAT....<br />
<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, with their <a href="https://femomhist.blogspot.com/2018/03/days-7-through-10.html?q=school">return to school last week</a> and my hiding this week, I'm returning in small moments to writing. I'm so emotionally exhausted that it is difficult to find the wherewithal to do anything but just distract myself when I'm not teaching or engaged in t(w)een care. I know however that I'm going to pay for that distraction down the road when I have feelings of self-loathing about not making progress in my writing.feMOMhisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17192104351023271207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-525100968586167656.post-90990669155077283402018-03-29T06:54:00.002-07:002018-03-29T08:06:42.768-07:003 weeks t(w)een on ZoloftI don't know if we are riding the cyclical shifts in t(w)een's mood, if finally not being home all day is getting them out of their head, or if the meds are finally starting to kick in, but for the past two days we have seen a definite shift upwards, back to where they were <a href="https://femomhist.blogspot.com/2018/03/day-4-tween-on-zoloft.html">at day </a>4.<br />
<br />
1. t(w)een actually said something positive about themselves for the first time in months<br />
2. t(w)een is exhibiting greater resiliency when not getting their own way<br />
3. t(w)ween seems able to cope better when facing psychological distress<br />
4. t(w)een is interacting more and spending far less time with headphones on<br />
5. t(w)een voluntarily took meds EARLY and fell asleep before 11pm. It does seem that sleep regulation has occurred due to the earlier wake-up time for the new school.<br />
<br />
Annoyingly, spring break starts soon and who knows what will happen. There are some activities planned, but t(w)een will definitely be able to revert to sleeping in/staying up late and will have more time to dwell in their head. Will they be able to keep the upward momentum or will they sink back? We have to decide at the end of next week if they stay on the meds, if we up the dosage, or if we start afresh with a new medication.feMOMhisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17192104351023271207noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-525100968586167656.post-76151941832735699632018-03-27T05:22:00.002-07:002018-03-27T09:12:45.273-07:00almost 3 weeks t(w)een on ZoloftAt almost three weeks of <a href="https://femomhist.blogspot.com/2018/03/day-1-tween-on-zoloft.html">t(w)een on Zoloft</a>, I remain unable to tell if it is helping. <a href="https://femomhist.blogspot.com/2018/03/day-14-twween-on-zoloft.html">T(w)een doesn't seem to think Zoloft is helping</a> but I'm not sure what "helping" would look like to them. When talk therapist explained that all an anti-depressant can do is make you feel basically flat, not make you happy again, t(w)een snarked, "I already felt flat." OOF. They continue to largely resist anyone helping them to figure out ways to address <a href="https://femomhist.blogspot.com/2018/03/because-i-cant-find-anything-online.html">their problems</a>, convinced that they have to do it for themselves. That is hard AF to watch as a parent, but I've come to learn that any attempts I make to help will be rejected, taken out of context, or make things worse. At this point I have only two priorities, to keep t(w)een safe and to preserve as much of our relationships as possible. Everything else is someone else's problem. Less is more is my current mantra.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
On the plus side, there were several difficult situations this weekend (damn universe can this kid please get a break soon?) that t(w)een seemed able to cope with better than they would have before, but I am also still hearing a lot of negative self-talk that indicates that the underlying issues are still deeply present.</div>
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<div>
<div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
As for the side effect of <a href="https://femomhist.blogspot.com/2018/03/day-3-tween-on-zoloft.html">insomnia,</a> I am not sure if taking the Zoloft at night with melatonin is helping or not. They are definitely falling asleep earlier, but they have had to get up very early for <a href="https://femomhist.blogspot.com/2018/03/days-7-through-10.html">their new school</a>. Yesterday t(w)een was so tired they took a nap, woke up, then fell back asleep after midnight. I'm hopeful that the required early wake up will help to regulate their sleep schedule, although the upcoming spring break will once again allow for sleeping in and we will have to start afresh.</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
feMOMhisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17192104351023271207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-525100968586167656.post-59525035303164200782018-03-22T06:02:00.002-07:002018-03-22T06:02:21.735-07:00day 14 t(w)ween on Zoloft T(w)een has started pushing back on taking the Zoloft. When we visited the ped for the 2-week med check, they opined that while things aren't getting worse, the anxiety is not getting better on the medication and it both makes them tired but also is causing insomnia. The sleep issue is one we have long battled so I'm not sure that the Zoloft is responsible for that. I also feel they expect a magic pill that would make them feel better immediately and haven't quite realized that the most the Zoloft will do is make it possible for them to do the hard work of helping themselves find a way through the anxiety/depression. <div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The ped wanted them to keep taking for the full 30 days it takes to reach maximum therapeutic effect. We are going to try switching the dose to evening and adding melatonin to see if that helps with the sleep disturbances. </div>
feMOMhisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17192104351023271207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-525100968586167656.post-90746397658360106232018-03-18T06:49:00.001-07:002018-03-19T02:49:55.539-07:00day 11 t(w)een on ZoloftSaturday is a long full day of redacted extracurricular activity. After too many <a href="https://femomhist.blogspot.com/2018/03/day-3-tween-on-zoloft.html">nights of insomnia</a>, t(w)ween was beyond grumpy. However, they were excited to make purchases for <a href="https://femomhist.blogspot.com/2018/03/days-7-through-10.html">the new school</a>, so we ventured out shopping anyway.<br />
<br />
As we traveled from shop to shop, they revealed several things along the way. They are still engaging in <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rumination_(psychology)">rumination</a> at night, which may be what is causing the difficulties in sleep. They mentally recount all the wrongs done to them that led to this depression. Many of these thoughts are about us, which was very hard to hear. They want retribution for specific slights and are unable to put anything in perspective. It is exhausting to weigh every single word I say and still manage to say the wrong thing too often.<br />
<br />
On the plus side, last night was the first time in over a week that they fell asleep at a decent hour. I still had to wake them up this AM, but since the new school starts very early, I'm hoping that they will get back into a more normal sleep pattern.feMOMhisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17192104351023271207noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-525100968586167656.post-6589348204238385782018-03-16T12:16:00.002-07:002018-03-17T03:42:04.576-07:00days 7 through 10 T(w)een on ZoloftT(w)een has slowly crawled their way out of <a href="https://femomhist.blogspot.com/2018/03/crash-day-6-tween-on-zoloft.html">the crash</a>. What helped a great deal is that they, independently of us, identified schooling options that they felt would better suit their needs. In rapid succession, a school was visited (twice), attended for a day, and as of five minutes ago, has accepted t(w)een. Each day, as options opened up, I could see t(w)een regaining some sense of control and optimism.<br />
<br />
Another huge piece of this bouncing back was that yesterday t(w)een shared some identity-based struggles that I won't go in to, but it was almost as if a weight had been lifted after this revelation.<br />
<br />
This has me thinking a lot about a recent book I saw written up, <i>Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression – and the Unexpected Solutions. </i>I can only hope that a change of environment, an increased sense of control, and this values-based education they selected work together to help t(w)een find their way.<br />
<br />
update on the medication:<br />
The only major side effect of the Zoloft seems to be insomnia - not sure if this is due to time change, but DANG they are up so late. The new school starts an hour earlier than the old one, so I hope we can get that under control. I wonder if we need to shift the time the medication is taken?feMOMhisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17192104351023271207noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-525100968586167656.post-87261634786433478812018-03-12T13:16:00.001-07:002018-03-28T02:56:29.876-07:00crash day 6 t(w)een on ZoloftHere we are day 6 on Zoloft and the t(w)een had a terrible day.<br />
<br />
I was already on campus but apparently, they were very difficult to wake up and it went down hill from there. It started with wanting to control how things went for the day and just spiraled out of control from there until the kid was literally in our hall closet asking why we insisted on perpetuating their suffering and wanting to lie on the floor covered by a blanket. Apparently, last night t(w)een started having negative thoughts about their self and it would seem maybe reached out to a friend via text. They deny any attempt at self-harm, but today definitely expressed a desire not to be alive, a belief that the family would be better of without them, and a firm belief that they are a cause of suffering to us all.<br />
<br />
Thankfully, we had a therapy appointment scheduled for this afternoon. T(w)een downplayed the suicidal ideation to their therapist, perhaps because they understand the concept of a mandatory reporter. The therapist worked with them on progressive relaxation. By late afternoon, they were pretty much back to normal and stayed that way for the remainder of the day. Today a biofeedback device they enjoyed using should arrive. I can only pray that those help us enough to get through this because, to be honest, I have no idea what I'm doing anymore.<br />
<br />
As most people are aware, all SSRI drugs carry a "<a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2799109/">black box</a>" warning for people under 25. Approximately 4% of patients report the side effect of increased suicidal ideation. This risk is greatest <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3195160/">within the first 9 days</a> of drug administration, a fact I found out by googling. Once again I'm completely and totally underwhelmed by the information available for parents in my situation, which is why I'm blogging this. Do not be fooled by things looking better; watch your kid like a hawk during the initial SSRI treatment.<br />
<br />
As you can well imagine, I'm a hot mess. I feel physically ill, somewhat gaslighted, because talking to an anxious/depressed t(w)een is a mind-f%^k if ever there was one, and finally, once again, totally and completely bereft of any confidence whatsoever in my abilities as a parent. Was the t(w)een just telling me what they knew I wanted to hear <a href="https://femomhist.blogspot.com/2018/03/day-4-tween-on-zoloft.html">when they told me things were feeling better</a>? Or at that moment did it, just like today apparently it did not? Or are the meds just not going to work?feMOMhisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17192104351023271207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-525100968586167656.post-84100940957652896902018-03-11T05:10:00.000-07:002018-03-12T13:20:12.463-07:00Day 4- 5 T(ween) on Zoloftmore little victories to share. Again YMMV with Zoloft, especially since, as I mentioned, I noticed a slight shift in mood the day we started the meds.<br />
<br />
Yesterday<br />
1. waking up in the AM, usually torturous drawn-out battle, instead involved a not-quite-cheerful, but totally cooperative kid saying ok while you do X I'll do Y, and then eat breakfast and take my pill before redacted extracurricular activity<br />
2. at redacted extracurricular activity, where a great deal of the anxiety and inability to tolerate any sort of negative peer interaction had emerged in the past few months, the kid was fine, even staying longer than needed to participate in a voluntary activity, while in the past few months they couldn't get out of there fast enough after doing the requirements.<br />
3. irritability, which was quite frankly through the roof and had the entire house walking around on eggshells, is greatly reduced. When the kid is unhappy with us, we still hear about it, but they are able to express it in an age-appropriate fashion.<br />
4. due to friend over last night, I was unable to ask about negative urges yesterday, but I suspect they have continued to either diminish or have disappeared.<br />
<br />
In terms of side effects of Zoloft after a week<br />
1. changes in appetite - Appetite seems to be the same or perhaps less (we have been struggling with over-eating as a way to cope with anxious feelings so this was a real worry)<br />
2. insomnia - still a night owl, but nothing beyond that<br />
3. stomach upset - taking Zoloft with food, so nope<br />
4. headaches - a frequent somatic manifestation of anxiety before but none so far<br />
5. increased suicidal ideation - a <b>very </b>serious concern for this kid, but no, thankfully, not so far. In fact seems to be a reduction in negative urges<br />
<br />
Perhaps most heartening, the kid surmounted several "just right" anxiety challenges with flying colors. Each time that occurs, I can see their self-confidence beginning to return. I've also found it fascinating to watch the t(w)een begin to experiment with their appearance, in a sense re-fashioning a new self. They seem to need to reclaim their body, which had become a site of such distress in the past few months, and quite frankly, I don't care if that seems shallow, I'm more than happy to support that endeavor.<br />
<br />
The past month and half has been the most terrifying period of my parenting life. I feel like I've pulled the kid back into the land of the living. In the process, everything else fell away (work, what is that? I'm so lucky my colleague and institution were supportive because beyond showing up to teach classes nothing else has taken place). That left plenty of time to reflect on how I, a not quite perfect parent, but still a reasonably good one, missed so many of the warning signs. I want to blog about those, but I'm also concerned about protecting the kid's anonymity (although TBH I think only a handful of people have any idea who I am).<br />
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<br />
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<br />feMOMhisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17192104351023271207noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-525100968586167656.post-68376188781023602912018-03-09T08:10:00.003-08:002018-03-12T13:19:47.411-07:00day 3 t(w)een on Zoloft<div>
Because I started to see a shift in their behavior the morning before the first dose of Zoloft, I'm hesitant to attribute the progress we've seen tot he drug, but let me just share so far</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
1. the kid volunteered "IDK why but I just realized I don't feel as bad as I did before"</div>
<div>
2. the kid informed me "when X bothered me at "redacted activity" today, I just thought why should I care? I'm here to have fun."</div>
<div>
3. the kid has had had no negative "urges" for the past two days</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
On the list of side effects, so far we have seen none, save for PERHAPS insomnia 1 night (sleep has been a HUGE issue anyway though) and headache (although somatic manifestations of anxiety are also quite frequent).</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I'm not sure if we are seeing a serotonin surge or if in fact the anxiety/depression which is largely situational had begun to lessen due to changes (finding the right therapist, coming up with schooling alternatives)</div>
feMOMhisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17192104351023271207noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-525100968586167656.post-50280268531689197392018-03-08T15:23:00.002-08:002018-03-12T13:19:36.947-07:00day 2 T(ween) on ZoloftI was up until 3am last night with the kid. While late nights have been a feature of this depression/anxiety, 3AM was next level even for them. I'm not sure if the cause was insomnia as a side effect or their need to process a lot of emotions. <br />
<br />
On the plus side, the giddy mood is gone replaced by a much more "normal" affect. Best of all, the kid expressed some positive sentiments today and decreased feelings of anxiety.<br />
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Fingers crossed tomorrow is as good.feMOMhisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17192104351023271207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-525100968586167656.post-52347500620703414762018-03-07T08:51:00.004-08:002018-03-07T09:06:13.679-08:00day 1 T(w)een on Zoloft<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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After reading way too much on the internet, never a good idea, I took a deep breath and gave my kid the first dose of Zoloft this morning. Our kids swallow pills in a spoon of applesauce, so down it went followed by a donut hole chaser (a big breakfast had been consumed only an hour and a half before so that seemed like enough food to offset any potential stomach upset).<br />
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The confounding thing right now is that the kid has been exhibiting a silly mood since last night. This is not uncommon for the kid, but it has lasted overnight which sort of is. They were up much earlier than normal and were able to get out of bed alone which is only sometimes the case. So now I'm second guessing the decision to start med at all. Does one good day make them not necessary? I'm also a little worried about the mood. Is it an expression of anxiety or (please no) the start of a manic phase (<a href="https://femomhist.blogspot.com/2018/03/because-i-cant-find-anything-online.html">the case seemed clearcut anxiety/depression</a>). If so that is obviously an area of concern since Zoloft is used for bi-polar disease but in conjunction with a mood stabilizer.<br />
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We were so lucky with the Intuniv trial, having to only slightly up the dose but never having to move from medication to medication. I was always so grateful for that and pray the same happens for this medication. I'm keeping a behavior log and hope that will help when we return to the doctor's office for our first med check.<br />
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feMOMhisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17192104351023271207noreply@blogger.com0